I once thought you were a decent man. I first saw you and there was something angry about you that I thought I perceived, but then I thought, that was unfair of me to think that. I gave you a chance and you did turn out to be a decent man. There were somethings about you that I did like, but that's what most people have. Many people have a good and bad side to them and I'm sure I have that too. It's all about perspective. Anyway, I wanted to believe that you were still a good person, somewhere inside that person you call decent. So many people have called you a good person, a decent person, a good friend. I use to think of you like that before that ugly incident. It doesn't matter why you did it. The fact is that you did it, I know what happened and you know what happened. Even if everyone else has their ignorant theories, even if everyone else knows no better, we know what happened. Regardless of my disinterest in having sex with you, you forced yourself anyway. Regardless of my lack of interest in you like that, you got your way. Regardless of my explanation of what I thought happened, you disregarded that. I would like to see you as a decent person again, but I can't make you do something you don't want to do. That's the difference between me and you. I wanted to talk but wasn't listened to and you only talked without caring about what I felt and thought. For whatever reason, you thought forcing sex on me was a good idea, despite my protests. I would like to hear your side of the story first in case I'm mistaken about what happened. I would like to know why you thought you needed to have sex with me? If it truly was consensual, why did I say no? Why did I physically push you away? Why did you have to lie to me to get me into your bedroom? Why wouldn't I have gone willingly towards you? Why wouldn't we have had sex a long time ago? Why would you have to treat me like you did? If I'm in the wrong, please write out the scenario of what you believe happened? I will gladly give you my perspective of what happened so that we can compare notes. I figured a decent person is interested in being reasonable in telling me what he believes happened. You haven't told me what you believe happened. You insinuated that I liked something that was unlikable, you forced me into something I didn't want. When I told you that I wasn't interested in you like that, you made it clear that that wasn't why you forced me to have sex with you, that that wasn't why you did it. You weren't clear. I would like to see you as a decent person, but money won't change anything. I will still be your rape victim, your rape survivor. Money can't make me forget what you did. I can't lead a better life with anything that you've given me, in fact, that fact that you've reinforced my lesbianism was the only thing you gave me. You can't make someone like sex with you force it on them. You haven't made me heterosexual by forcing sex on me. No amount of force or money or persuasion can make me heterosexual except my own liberties. Only I can decide on that, not your or anybody else. You don't have that right. That doesn't make you a decent person, even if others refuse to listen to that. I refuse anymore to believe that you're a decent person. Had I never seen you as decent, I would not have anything to do with you, I would never have walked into your room when you demanded, when you insisted, when you lied about the Xmas turkey in your room. I would never have trusted you at all. Had I never seen you as a decent person, I would have been out of that room already, but I thought that reasoning with you was the best person, because you were perceived as a decent person, even by me. All this time, when everyone thought you were decent, you were really a rapist. Sometimes there's no difference between a regular guy like you and a rapist. It's just that most rapists make a career out of it, while the average guy just picks his moments on a whim. Most guys can get away with it, like you can. You'll get away with it a few more times simply because of other people's ignorance about you, about rape, about everything that happened. I thought that people were interested in the truth, but they'd rather stick to what they believe happened because it's less dangerous to believe. If they knew the truth, they'd totally reject it. That's just one of the horrible things about this. Because of people's delusions about it, you and others like you will persist in their activities to rape women for their own justifications. You justified raping me. I had to hear about how you tried to rape someone else in the building but you would never admit to that, no of course not, because you saw nothing wrong with what you did. I can't see you as a decent person because of what you did and how you made me feel, and also because you see nothing wrong with it. You have not remorse about your actions and because of this, you'll do it again. That's dangerous thinking and it's hard to communicate this to anyone. I've had to live with this, I've had to deal with ignorance about it. Explaining things to people about this only makes things worse. It's like nobody wants to be knowledgeable about it. They'd rather believe the worse about me and the biased about you than the truth. The only way people will believe what happened is if you tell them the truth and since you're in denial, you'll never tell them. I'm at a loss, for I'm not a violent or vengeful person. I can't make you admit to something you're not ready to admit to, meanwhile you're still dangerous to the public. If I were a violent person, I would have hurt you by now, but that would be irresponsible of me. I would have lashed out in a momentary irrational moment and done something I would have regretted. Had I don't something that stupid, I would have to live with it. It wouldn't have ended anything but created something else. It would only make things worse, not better. For me to inflict harm on you would only say that I'm no better than you, and I am better than you, you know why? Because I would never force someone to be something they're not, I'd never make someone do something that they didn't want to do and then lie about how they consented to it. I would never rape someone just because my sexuality was at stake. I would never do the things that you've done. I'm sure that if the roles were reversed, you'd be asking for some money up front, which I've never done. No amount of money will make me forget what harm you've done to me. I many be wrecked, but not damaged, not totally. This has affected me, but not in the way you had hoped. You might have thought that you had punished me, but I'm not totally broken. I have survived what you've done to me. I wanted to get to the heart of it, to the truth, but everyone avoided it. I figured that if I could get this letter to you, you'd never read it, for the truth would hurt you. Only you would be so cowardly in dismissing the truth about that ugly day. You'd never accept it. A decent man would have accepted it. I would like to hope that someday the decent part of you understand what harm you did. Even John Lennon's killer finally understood what he did to John. Even he, a killer, a messed up person, understood, yet you, someone let loose because of other people's ignorance and fears, can't grasp what harm you've inflicted on someone who did not deserve to be mistreated like that. Anyway, I would like to see the decency in you again, but that'll never happen. You don't remember what happened, you've made up your own theory of what happened, and i'm sure you've told nobody about what exactly happened. They only have my side of it but because of people's ignorance, they'll disregard my truth. If people really wanted the truth, they would seek it out and at least say that they tried, but they didn't do that at all. If there is a decent bone in your body, I've never witness it after that ugly incident. You'll never be decent to me ever again. What I use to believe about you has died on that ugly day. You are never going to be a decent person to me. This isn't a challenge for you to redeem yourself, because there is no redemption for you. You'll always be "The Guy Who Raped Me" and never a fellow neighbour, never the guy who said funny things now and then, never the Bruce Lee fan, never the neighbour who lent me his books, never the guy who wanted to watch his favourite TV show and then I told him what other time and channel it was on just to prevent more hostility, never that anymore. That person doesn't exist to me anymore. There use to be fun times between us, but those are gone, all because you wanted to get laid on Xmas day and I just happened to walk out into view. I'm sure that anyone would have done. You had no reason to do that to anyone. If someone else had walked out, you would have raped them too, but instead it ended up being me. In a weird way, I saved someone else from what you would have done to them, but still, I took a bullet for them and I had to suffer the consequences, all because nobody wanted to believe me. That's the trick about belief and knowledge: one is based on fact while the other is based on perspective. I look at most men differently and that's a daily struggle. I look at other Iranians differently and that's a daily struggle too. Because of this, I have to reexamine my beliefs and not let your act get in the way of who I was and what I could become. Because the law was inept, I have to do things on my own. I have to deal with my own crap so that I don't do something drastic. You're lucky that I have a conscience to deal with, otherwise you'd be dead and I'd be on death row, maybe already executed by now. Anyway, I've had horrible fantasies about you, about a baseball bat and the back of your head. I hope that your life has gotten better. I figured that that decent person was somewhere inside there again, but over and over, you've communicated, or others have told me, that you have no remorse about raping me. I have to deal with other stupid people telling me lies, thinking that that was the way to solve it. I've deal with inept people who couldn't solve my problem and the only conclusion I've come up with is that I have to do things myself. It's all up to me. You don't matter, but what you've done has to stick with me for the rest of my life, regardless of what kind of life I have right now. There are other rape victims out there who are having a hard time with life. I'm sure there's another woman out there who's been mistreated, who's been raped by you and got nowhere with the justice system, with their neighbours and so-called friends. I'll just say that how you've made others feel is something that you've left on this earth. You're not a good person. You pretend to be, but you've fooled so many. I'm one of those people who is onto you. I'll never see what others see, but I'll only see what nobody else sees. I feel sorry for you, in that you carry this burden of your acts and you won't be responsible for them. I pity you.