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I went to church with my mom, only because my younger brother wasn't and my dad was working. My mom wanted to go and the vision of my mom going all by her lonesome broke my heart. It's not like I'll be struck right there and become born again, I'm not worried about that anymore. People come to their faith on their own time, not because someone lectured them about the pits of hell and the grand reward in heaven: that won't change me. I'll do it on my own, thank you. I'd passed the area where my male friend I've slept with lives, seeing his car parked and wondering what he's doing, negatively. It's only been this past month I've spotted his car and my gut twists just a little bit. Well, his place is kiddie-corner to our church, so when I glanced over at his place, I saw him crossing the street to go to church with a bandaged nose. He didn't see me, supposedly, so it took me a few beats to call out his name. Now, with my mother beside me, I wondered how this would play out. I did eventually introduce him by his first name only and he was just into himself, self-absorbed as usual, in his own little world. I didn't feel like the gullible idiot I usually feel, but I predicted he'd phone me today. Once in the church, I fought back the urge to ask him to sit with us, not sure of how awkward that would be. In the end, he found his own seating several aisles away. Luckily too many people were there to block him from my sightline, but I kept looking in the direction I knew he was in. After enduring the service, he left without saying goodbye, but an hour or so after mom and I arrived, my cellphone sang "Hung Up" by Madonna. I saw an unfamiliar number, thinking he was elsewhere or using his fax machine. It was him, asking about the role I'd recently received in a film, asking about my typing skills and if I could type out a script for him. Am I being used? This definitely flowed through my brain after my mom and my brother told me of how much of a push-over I am in situations. I'm feeling like my mom is blaming me for being violated years ago and I'm a tad-bit paranoid that she told my brother about it but hasn't let on. It was funny when he said that he can be nice but then he got to the part where he said he can be a jerk sometimes and I dramatically cleared my throat, looking him in the eyes on this move. What's he going to do, beat me up in front of my mom? Anyway, I kept turning over my conversation with the man and felt more turned off by him. His last words to me were, "If you're downtown during the week, give me a call. We'll go for a coffee." Yeah, that's up there with, "Come to my place to see my etchings" or "Want a massage?" I'm always reassessing my job and my lovers and knowing they're all bad for me. I can't pick'em right. They's all bad fo me! I hope I'm on set when he's doing background work. That seemed petty, didn't it? Well, I'm not a bitchy enough person, but it'll feel good I guess. All I need to do is focus on my job. If he's not there, then all the better. I can't wait for this week to be over so I can do my role. I wonder what's at the end of this, if there are other roles ahead to snowball for me or if my luck will be the same as before? Thinking about that will do me no good and only feed my neuroses. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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