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I'm starting to understand my stupid cycle of bad luck in love. It's not necessarily the person or the gender, but my loneliness. There's a part of me that's empty and I'm attempting to fill that emptiness with someone's company. After that, I get this silly idea that if we have sex, then we seal the deal. Once they've scratched their itch, I don't look too good to them anymore, I don't mean anything. I represent a mistake, a regret that they knew was a bad idea. They get a good look at my face, my flaws, my weaknesses and wonder how far we can go, realizing not very. They treat me like their victim and turn away from me, like I were a dead one. They have no remorse in their actions. Men are colder and more distant than the women I've been with, even that one night stand I hate a couple of years ago. I'm beginning to wonder if I've made a breakthrough...of course I have! This may be just one teeny tiny step towards understanding my stupid luck. We'll see by the end of the year how ML and I end up, if I find someone to lay my delusions onto. It's been almost 6 months since dad died. Some days I feel normal, but yesterday, I was on the bus, looking at a picture of him I have on my phone, and I felt emotional. I can't help but picture him in his coffin, withering away with every moment. Since all the snow has melted, his grave is more visible now. I only hope I don't die in the winter. I also hope I'm not the last to die, just because I think that my little brother would know how to take care of the funeral and all that. I wonder where I'll be when I die? Oh yeah, I've discovered a website called, 750 Words when I do the same thing there as here, but it is even more private. I don't have to hide names, but I do anyway, just out of paranoia. It's great in that it monitors what you're thinking, feelings, the rating and all sorts of things it tells you about your writings. It gives you badges as rewards, like girl or boy scouts. I'm on a 20 day streak as of today's entry. I did one just moment ago, doing well over 1300 words, but then I decide to come here to write even more words. There's I wanted to impress myself with my typing speed and my streak. I plan on doing a whole month, then 100 days, then a whole year, then....who knows? I love typing more than writing, so coming here, as long ago as it was, is still a relief. On a completely different subject, if I even find someone who's vegan and an atheist, and we marry and live for decades, what's to stop them from changing their mind? What if they start eating meat or believing in god, or even in another religion, or a cult, or if they're a meat-eating christian? Sometimes people drastically change and their marriage disintegrates because they couldn't make it work. One was so secure in the safety while the other one felt bound. Finding a vegan atheist lesbian would be tough, but what if they changed? What if I found a man who was a meat eater and believed in god then he changed for the better, or just completely different? There are no guarantees in this life, especially in love. I just might be crazy enough to start writing here again? I'm still shocked this site hasn't folded yet. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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