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I don't care if I'm really horny: I don't want to have sex anymore, whether it be with a man or a woman. I won't date or call any get together with a man/woman a date. I don't want to get involved romantically/sexually with anyone anymore. I don't want to get my hopes up over someone, only to feel like I'm doing the same stupid mistake and chosing the wrong person. I want to have less pain in my heart from now on. I want to see someone I liked from afar, never confessing my love/desire for them, so that when they pay attention to someone else, it's less painful or I wish them all the luck in the world. I want to make myself happy because of some other achievement, not because I got laid or someone looked me in the eyes with desire or I think being with someone could be the one. I don't want to get hurt again and again. I feel more and more like an idiot everytime there's disrespect and that person is interested in someone else. Too much disrespect. I tend to chose those who disrespect me because I have no self-respect. I chose those who use me because I think very little of myself as a human being. I look for self-worth in being chosen for sex because I have forever felt worthless. I seek my worthiness in others because I don't believe it dwells within me. I want to feel loved because I have no sense of self-love. I imagine that sex and love are the same because I've never truly been loved by anyone outside of my family. I'm inept at finding true love and recognising it because it doesn't look like it does on tv and the idea of someone loving me is so foreign and I scare it away. Sometimes, like this month, I don't care if I never find love. I don't care if I never have sex for the rest of my life. I'll stock up on sex toys and lubrications just so I can attend to my sexual needs and not depend on others for them and then end up disappointed when they don't care. My imagination is filled with spank-bank material and unrequited loves to bide my time. I'm at an age where most have been in serious relationships. Mine have only been family and friends but no romance has touched my life. If it has then I'm blind to it. I wouldn't know what romance is if it gave me flowers and sang to me. I wouldn't recognise romance if it were in the form of a greeting card that said, "This is what romance looks like, you fool!" I wouldn't recognise romance if it served me a vegan dinner by candlelight on a grassy area at sunset. I wouldn't recognise romance if it bought me tickets to a show I'd wanted to see for a long time. I wouldn't recognise romance if it offered to take me roller-blading on a beautiful summer day. I.....just won't get it. I'll end this life, in the very far and distant future, devoid of romance and true sexual fulfillment. The closest to sexual fulfillment was having sex with women. That, and the biggest orgasm from an FTM transsexual. What if I died tomorrow and someone got a hold of all my paper journals? What if someone saw this and knew it was me? What the hell kind of a person would they think I was? While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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