[Thursday, Jan. 06, 2005 @ 11:30 p.m.]
[ Projects Flying At Me, Unlike Lovers ]

The other day, I had an impulse to call a friend on the phone to hang out since we hadn't seen each other since he came back to Winnipeg. He's the third person to crawl back after crashing and burning out there. My shift was almost over when he appears. Moments later, we're at the bar next door, I'm sipping my sour apple and he's sipping his coke and we talk about Vancouver. He went out there to be a stand-up comic. I've seen him perform only once and he was hysterical. I remember when I joined this group that planned on writing shows and stuff and he wrote a monologue about how the pineapple is neither a pine nor an apple, and I was doubled over with pain I was laughing so hard. He had more confidence in his stand up than he did in his improv or his acting skill, but I thought he had a quality. Now that he's back in Winnipeg, he has no goals. At least that's what he told me. I also remember how the past couple of years saw him terribly depressed and had gained several obvious pounds. He would enter a room and poison the air with his gloom he was so bad. I was worried about him. At least his spirits have risen a bit, now that he's taking care of his 80-something parents 24 hours a day. That's all he'll be doing until his parents expire. I don't know if that's sad or not, but it struck me and lingered for a day or so. It made me wonder if I'm holding onto a dream that'll never happen or if he's given up?

I checked my email via my cellphone [I love my cellphone!], and discovered the dates for the cabaret first readthrough. Later on that same day, I get a call to participate in a play that'll be shown in the Fringe Festival. I'd met the guy when we were doing background extra work for Category 6: Day of Destruction and since September has remembered me. I called him back about it so I've got 2 projects to look forward to this year. Today, I received another call to participate in a readthrough for another children's play this coming Sunday! I've got plays coming out the wazoo! I'm just waiting for Spike Lee or Quentin Tarantino to call me up for a part in a movie, sans audition!

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me? Like, when it comes to relationships. Do I do something to sabotage the possibility of one happening? Am I afraid I can't handle it? Am I afraid of the reality of the flaws of another human being? I sometimes think that when I try to be positive about acting that I should apply the same thinking towards love. It makes me miserable that I don't have someone, plus to suppress my feelings about being lonely hurts even more. I sometimes think I'm vain. One guy looked at me and I assumed he liked me. Before, I'd never noticed him until he looked at me, and he's a guy! If it were a girl, I'd probably apply the same thing upon her. No women seemed interested in me. I rarely notice any women who openly show their attraction towards me, and I feel guilty for even noticing another woman's ass. I dare not even make eye contact, unless the woman has set off my gaydar in a big way. There's something about having someone attracted to you that's an ego boost. There was this one guy in Vancouver that when we made eye contact, I assumed that he was interested in me, but I also got the feeling that he assumed I was interested in him. It was all ego. If I were 100% straight and a lesbian was eyeing me, how would I react? I wonder how bi-curious I am? If that's all I am? Whatever I am, I'm not 100% straight. It's this damn celibacy! The last time I went through a drought like this, everyone was looking good until I had sex with this girl, then I couldn't believe how wishy-washy I was for waffling on the sexual orientational equator. I can't do anything out of desperation or it'll put me back on the celibacy road again. I should also consider that sexual trauma has had a toxic affect too. I try to deny it, since so many other ex-friends have. I really need to do some in-depth journal writing, on paper with pen. Maybe some serious therapy or something.

Maybe all I really need is to get laid?


While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019

He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019

My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019

It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019

I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014




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