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Yesterday, I got mad at my mom. You know how sometimes your mom thinks she's doing you a favour by critisizing your looks and telling you how to improve yourself by picking on a part of you that sets you off? When she commented on how I should cleanse my face and all, she saw me grimace. When she pointed this out, I snapped and told her how ugly she made me feel. Without apology, she elaborated on how she wished she had someone to tell her things like this. That just brought on another world of anger from me and as I was ranting and waving my arms around, I saw her backing away from me, like I were a monster from those Sinbad movies that she needed a sword to protect herself from. I had to run out and get something, and when I was on the bus, I reflected on the even that happened, almost tearing up. I hate getting angry with anyone. I hate expressing this and I hate when people's need to "provoke" others cause them to piss me off, but I just generally hate getting angry. I don't know what the person's intentions are when they do this to me and I always feel it's manipulative when they get this out of me. As I was replaying the spat in my head, I pictured my mom's face, the way she looked at me. After that, we didn't talk to each other all day, except when my older brother called and she handed me the phone. My brother was calling me a movie star while I was playing it down. If I think this is the biggest thing, I'll be let down when I don't have a flood of work coming my way. He follows up by saying how I've been doing this for 20 years! Next year it'll be that long, but yeah, it's been many years, two decades actually. This is Winnipeg, so it's not like I'll be rich from this or that it'll take off. I have to be realistic about such an unstable career choice and keep my eyes peeled going into this. I was also thinking of my sexuality, as I always am. I can't get off thinking of a naked guy in the end. I don't know who my next sex partner will be and I don't know.......[my sentences that explain my sex/love life always start off with I Don't Know] about whether I'll fall in love or not. I'm not going to get my hopes up for anything, for love, sex, career, how much longer my parents will be alive, where my future is, my sexuality, my money, whatever. It's always up in the air and I can't waste too much energy trying to control my fate. If I don't worry too much and just enjoy the moment, life will be perfect, because Lenny Kravitz says in one of his songs, "My life is perfect, because I accept it as it is" ~ 'Eleutheria' is the song from the album that has "Let Love Rule" on it. That's my favourite line in a lyric. The first thing I did today was make chocolate chip cookies! They're just cool now, but I ate 3 of them. I even added some oatmeal to add some roughage to them, keep me regular. That and a strong coffee is all I had for breakfast so far. I'll have to whip up some more food, for the family. Maybe. I'll see how I feel. I tried to erase my diary, but it just came back with an error message. When I couldn't, I didn't bother trying again, so I just typed out this entry instead. I don't know who knows about this and I don't know if they'd tell me. I worry too much. This can't last forever, and there's another more private revealing one that's harder to access, so I come here to unload my brain and heart. Right now, I'm listening to Billy Idol's Greatest Hits that I bought a few years ago. After this one, it's Pat Benatar's Greatest Hits. Yeah, I'm stuck in the '80's! While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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