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Tom Ford said it in an interview a while ago: "Never Say Never". I never know what I'm capable of these days. No love/sex life, so therefor I feel I'm in limbo or dangling off a hook. I come here to clarify what's going on in my head and my heart and sometimes I don't think I'm close to the answer. I think I think too much, thinking that the answer is around the corner, when it's running away from me. Maybe it's not there? Years ago, I thought I was straight, then I figured I was bi-curious, then I figure I'm lesbian: This celibacy takes me out of my true desires I think. I would think it would give me a clearer view of things, like standing back from what I've been active in, only it's all fuzzy. Most people look good, but then reality enters my thinking, or rather negative thinking comes in the way and scares me into being safe in celibacy. I try not to get my hopes up and I hate when people say that there's someone out there for me, for they're getting my hopes up. So many people have said that and it hasn't come true. I don't want to resent someone for saying something that doesn't have to mean anything. It's so easy to say that to someone, like telling a woman that she's pretty just because it's assumed that that's what she wants to hear. You can always tell when someone is patronizing you, thinking they're just being nice. I was at work the other day and this black girl came in. I assumed she was waiting for this other girl, whom I assumed was black or some mixture. Anyway, it turned out she was there for some white guy. As they were leaving, the girl in question wanted to know why I thought she was there for her. I felt stupid, like I made an assumption. I apologized and slithered away. I wondered if anybody regards her like that, assuming she's black? I've never asked her what she was because it didn't matter before, but since that little incident, now I want to know just so I don't make that stupid mistake again. She said she doesn't hang out with other black girls because she thinks they're all stuck up. "What about me?" I said. I forgot what her response was, but it was some sort of witty comeback. I think she's a little more distant from me know. I guess I thought we had some sort of sisterly bond or something; that might be where that came from. Who knows? I don't hang out with other black people myself, so when there is someone around, I want to connect somehow, but then for some reason it doesn't happen. The only other black people I know are from family friends. The two other black people that worked at Wendy's aren't there anymore; the one Nigerian guy quit and moved to BC, and the other younger one I haven't seen in months. Sometimes I wonder why I HAVE to be closer to other black people? What about the whole, "It doesn't matter if you're black or white?" philosophy? I make friends that have nothing to do with race, but now and then, other people's cultures are such a draw that I can't help myself. I don't always ask, just observe. Being born in Canada, I feel that since I've been surrounded by mostly white people, I haven't any bond with other black people, so other blacks are foreign to me. White people are the norm for me and I forget that most of them see me as strange or not from here. When I'm acknowledged as being different, I'm offended and I fear stereotyping and judgement. Some people say stupid things when they don't know a particular subject, then I want to back away from them. Maybe I'm trying to connect to my "Blackness" or something? My younger brother acts like he's blacker than I, meanwhile he's never read "The Autobiography of Malcolm X" that I gave him. He's seen the movie, but the book is so much richer and fulfilling. I'm going to act as a background performer today, and when I step out the door, people will pretend to figure me out when they haven't a clue. I have to dress a certain way that'll make the movie people pleased and say, "That's the right look". Whatever it says about me, it hides who I really am. To dress badly is to expose you, but to dress impeccably is to portray how you want to be perceived. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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