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This weekend, I'm performing. I'm excited but I can't wait to get it over with. I don't know why. The only way to get out of a rut is to change it. I could do the opposite of what I've been doing. I keep thinking: If I do A, then B will happen, so that leaves me in a C situation. I'll get stuck in C, so if I do A, then B could happen anyway. I've been in situations where I took risks and couldn't handle the disasterous results. I'm hopeless about my future, despite my activities with theatre. It feels like an entry-level job where I'm at the bottom. I should've been higher at this point. I'm so disappointed with where my life is going: a product of being in your 30's. Everday I wonder what'll happen when I'm 40. I also re-read my diary entries, paper and online, and the same themes come back. How productive is my diary? I'm turning 37 in 9 days; where am I going? What's happening? These stupid existential questions won't go away. This stupid lust won't wash out of my system. Twice, when I was able to fall asleep, I'd have sexual dreams of 2 co-workers, and they were male. I don't know what I am anymore. I don't know if it's the celibacy, the frustration, past trauma or what. Should I just label myself as bisexual and be done with it? Am I just being a flake, again? I see people hooking up and I feel this pain inside of me, wondering why I can't acquire that? I can guarantee that the next person I encounter will find love elsewhere. I had this idea of having someone else videotape my past lovers, male and female and interview them about what it was about me that wasn't girlfriend material. I don't know what I'm feeling, I'm so out of touch. I don't know what sexuality I am anymore or if I'm depressed or angry or a mixture of everything. Am I neutral or is there such an emotion? I'm often pondering my place and my worthiness in the world, wondering what's the point? What's happening to me? I'm not even looking forward to 9 days from now. I don't know anything. I feel so disassociated from my wants and needs, or maybe I'm just denying them so I don't have to deal with them. I don't know what's wrong with me. The only bright spot is that Kirstie Alley has had a longer bout of celibacy: 4 years! You can be rich and famous and still not get laid. It's sad that I think of this daily so I don't feel like a total loser. Well, performing isn't the darkest spot, and it's not that I'm saying I hate acting or anything. I just have these other things that pop into my brain. I was invited to a brunch today via email, and I thought of the woman I was dating who might show up with her girlfriend. She hasn't appeared with her at other events that I've gone to, but maybe it's because she was tipped off that I'd be there? Who the hell knows anyway? For all I know she just didn't feel like it or something came up. Anyway, I didn't go. Sometimes I wonder if I just don't fit into any groups or if I'm removing myself from them? Ah! More stupid existential questions! While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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