[Sunday, Nov. 27, 2005 @ 9:48 p.m.]
[ Feeling Miserable. ]

I was suppose to meet up with some friends for dinner, but that fell through: the place was closed on Sundays anyway. After feeling bummed about that, my mood got darker on the bus ride home. I was waxing on love and all the usual crap I feel negative about. When I was stupid enough to think I was in love, I physically felt beter, even healthier. I felt my mental/emotional well-being improve for a bit and I even felt more motivated and positive about life in general. Any trauma I've felt didn't matter and felt dead to me. That's what I miss about adolescence because I've had crushes and felt high from that. That's a better high than any drug or alcohol. It's also the biggest liar. Ol'what's-his-name hasn't called me since last week Sunday, and he just called to see what I was doing. He was off to some award thing and because I was having dinner with friends, got some other people to go with him. I went to and finished my dinner and phoned him again, but he was on his way out. I felt a rock in my chest from all this, like whatever elated feelings I've felt in the last while had shrivelled up. I got pissed off at work and didn't express it, so when my manager asked me into his office, I just slammed the door and bitched him out briefly. I can still picture him sitting there in his chair as I stood over him, taking in my feelings as I blasted him for talking shit about us employees. He was sorry and apologised about it. I really hate expressing my anger most of all and I hate other people's anger. I don't know if that makes me immature, but it's my thing. I was on the verge of tears the day before, thinking about how worthless I felt too. I also feel if I could express it better without fear, I'd feel emotionally healthier. I wouldn't be internalizing my feelings so much. I might feel like a real person someday. Plus being sexually frustrated has added so much to it. I hate waiting around for what's-his-name to call me and be unavailible. I'm afraid that if I call this stupid thing we have, he'll either try to fuck me again or just say to hell with me. He's the one that doesn't want things between us to get complicated. Why am I tolerating this? I'm a loser in love and I can't stand my lovelife anymore. I hate that I want someone who's unavailible. I hate the unavailible! I'm always interested in those who can't be relied upon.
The strangest thing is, I got a call from a fellow vegan guy, leaving a message on my voicemail to go for coffee. Just what I need! Why am I doing this to myself? I fantasized that I would tell him how fucked up I feel about my sexuality and tried to picture his facial expression. I don't want another man. I don't want even a woman. I don't want someone new or someone from my past. I don't want a celebrity or the person down the street. I don't want a friend to waste bodily fluids with and I don't want to get into those bonds with friend about marrying when we're 40. It's too awful to think about. I hope I don't eventually take my life over something like this.

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It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019

I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014




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