[Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005 @ 9:33 p.m.]
[ "I Love Mankind; It's People I Hate" ~ CSI ]

It doesn't seem like there's only one more show left.
Usually, I get a terrible bout of performance anxiety, but I'm too calm about this show. Maybe because I'm so use to this particular venue. I feel a bit of a twinge when I recall a line though, but other than that, it's still good. Maybe because I don't have such a huge role this time. I have two cabarets to look forward to in the next month, so I'll be geared up for that.

After today's show, I hung out with my parents: Bad idea. I was already tired and hungry, but mom made me vegan macaroni and "cheese". I was too distracted to be tired.After we arrived, and my godfather makes a joke about how he and my dad can get all snuggly since they pass a law that allows same-sex marriages. "Those dogs!" says my godfather, although I'm sure the actual word he wanted to say almost rhymned. Everytime he throws some Jamaican term at me, putting me on a Jamaican Authenticity Scale, I assumed the meaning was homophobic, but when it wasn't, I still felt I had to chill myself out. I'm sitting there, a closeted lesbian, and all but my mom are clueless, openly making their remarks. As soon as anybody makes the slightest remark about homosexuality and all things derogatory, I mark them as untrustworthy. I have no reason to think that my coming out to them would change their minds or open them up to the reality of who a gay person is. I don't have the patience or skill to articulate and explain my beliefs and knowledge without fear of a lash-out when they think I'm insulting them. I can't trust anybody's reactions. If I sense that someone is really cool about it, then maybe I'd tell them, maybe. I think of the past reactions and how I couldn't handle them, regretting ever coming out at all sometimes. Sometimes I wish I never said a thing to anybody. I'm so disgusted with people's thinking about homosexuality that I know I'd disrespect them for even thinking they could justify such ignorance and hatred. It scares me that someone I love and respect would suddenly turn on me and reveal their bigoted side to me. I've already had friends react badly and I can't get over them. Just being around people I haven't outed myself to who freely express their hatred makes me so disappointed in them that to come out to them would only make things worse. I'd get blamed for and held responsible for their disgusting beliefs and slangs. You can't avoid seeing an ugly beast rear up in someone, but you can easily get blamed for encouraging them, made the scapegoat for their thoughts. Whenever I hear a hint of homophobia, I withdraw further inside of the corner of my brain so nobody will detect my secret. I wander if they notice how I clam up, that I don't join in on the bigotry parade. I still feel emotionally ill. I was thinking of my lesbian friends to hang out with, someone I could talk to. I have my paper diary that I carry with me in my bag, but I want to voice my thoughts and feelings. I was thinking of going to a resource centre or something.

One time, when I was watching CSI, the lead actor said, "I Love Mankind; It's People I Hate" after arriving on a scene. Instead of being so disgusted with people, he analyzed them closer as a crime scene investigator. I suppose I attempt that as an actor, but I don't know If I'll ever figure people out. I'd turn myslef inside out by doing that for the rest of my life, but when bigotry rears its ugly head, especially people I trust, I want to deny I'm even a human and claim myself an alien from another planet. Right now, I'm hungry and tired, but I'm feeling so let down that it over-shadows the two feelings.


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