[Thursday, Mar. 18, 2010 @ 9:55 a.m.]
[ I Feel Empty From the Lack of It. ]

Yes, I've mentioned that there's no one out there for me, that I'll never find love and that I'll die alone.

Really, why do I have to find it?

It's taken me years of heartbreaks and wrong choices in men and women to realize that I'm inept and that anyone I set my heart on won't feel the same way about me in the long run.

I'd rather drool over pictures of beautiful men/women, watch youtube videos of gorgeous celebrities, masturbate for the rest of my life than put myself out there to be rejected and made worthless; to put myself in a worthless position is my own doing and I'm putting a stop to it. Anyone who likes me, ends up finding someone better. They're better off with someone else.

An ex-friend once asked me if I thought I deserved to be loved, and I wanted to say no, but I just said, "I don't know". I mean, I gave a wimpy answer because the truth seemed ugly, like me. Ugly as in feeling it, not so much looking it, although ugliness is also in the eye of the beholder, right?

I've even found videos of the tv show, "Booker" on youtube and watched the whole season. I thought Richard Grieco was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen, so perfect looking too. I spotted him in Vancouver, trying not to stand out, but the thrill of seeing him wasn't as strong as I thought. Yeah, he was a little older at the time, but just the reality that he was right there took the glitz away. A prettier friend of mine had him approach her and tell her that her belly button ring was beautiful. If I was standing right next to her, he wouldn't have noticed me at all or said something patronizing so I wouldn't feel bad. I get sick of people doing that.

I don't look too old yet, but when I'm much older I'll feel shitty that my youth was wasted and that I never found real love. I don't think I know what that is. I know for a fact I'll always be single. If I ever give birth, I'll raise that child as a single mom too.

I'm sorry that I can't be positive about my love life. It's just that I hear of other people's stories of how they met their love and I just can't relate, I have nothing to compare except stories of rejection. I could write a whole book on it if I refer to my journals. Even off the top of my head.

In 2 hours, I have to go to work.

My sexuality is irrelevant.

Deep down, I want something to come along and change my mind about this and nothing has, in all my 42 years of life, my self-fulfilling prophecy has not changed.

I want to be loved like everyone else. One guy who rejected me told me that everyone wants to love and to be loved. Yeah, rub it in, why don't you?

I know I'm doing something wrong.

I compare it to being an actor, in that with the past experiences I've had, they add up to my outlook; I've auditioned and gotten roles and had a blast, whereas I've dated, had sex and ended up heartbroken. Acting has left me only an ounce of heartbreaks, but my love life is one big heartbreak. I'm perpetually heartbroken. That should've been my username on this blog.

I'm finding things to do and forgetting that I'm depressed. I hide it as best as best as I can, but when I'm spending the whole day in my room watching YouTube videos in my bed clothes, then that's a sign. I did nothing for St. Patrick's Day, since I'm broke like everyone else.

Yeah, I vent here, dump my emotional baggage with the hopes of unloading it, but I'm really planting a sad tree with my emotional seeds that just grow with the amount of attention and focus I put on it. The more I tend to it, the bigger it grows. That must be why I don't re-read my old journals for I know what I've dumped in there. It's like looking in the toilet after using it. Not enough journal writing will purge me of my depression. Just coping and creating happy moments is enough to chase them away.

I know that the next person I fall for and/or have sex with will have the same out come as all the other people I've dealt with.

I can't find anything positive about this.

I'd apologize for this entry, but many of them are all like this, so, this is my journal and I'll type what I want in it.


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