[Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2006 @ 9:51 p.m.]
[ Not Quite Lost It, Yet ]

As excited as I get about acting, sometimes I'm disappointed with it. Where the hell am I going with my career and my life? I struggle but sometimes I feel I'm not doing enough, that I can't do enough because I'm not serious enough about it. I think of the people who've by-passed me and I feel I'm not working hard or smart enough. I've been considering quitting, as I've often done in the past. I love acting, but I'm at a point where I'm even considering another career goal: masseuse. Seriously, I'm contemplating studying to be one somewhere in this town. I'm tired of being broke and taking a job that'll give me room for being an actor and all. I've invested enough into this and where am I? Still living at home, as broke as I was before I moved away from home, feeling worthless and hopeless about everything. What hope I've had dwindle for everything else in my life has been held together by my love for acting. Sure, I'm negative about love, bitter about sex, complain about family and friends, but acting I was faithful to like a soul mate. Now, I don't know. I almost expect something to come around the corner and change my mind. I even expect nothing to change it for me and still pursue acting anyway. My life may be like this until I'm living off my brothers, couch-surfing from friends, eating out of garbage cans and living the "gypsy" life. I could be homeless! My parents may die at any moment. Hell, one of them will go and I'll have to help support them and pay bills and acting hasn't supported me in any way, not including background extra work. I don't even have a life-partner to depend on. My parents are my life-partners, but their lives will expire. Who knows if I'll die young? They may even be relieved if that happens so they don't have to worry about me anymore. Blah! I'm sitting here, staring at my script I should be memorizing. I've got most of it, but not enough to fully have it in my system. Will I ever get tired of acting? Will my life end up a tradgedy?

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