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I was having one of those days where I was feeling frustrated. Not just about work or my attempt at a career, but the celibacy thing. I tolerate it and I hate it. It keeps me safe and it pushes me back. I get frustrated but I don't expect anything to change. The one thing I did though, was call this girl who gave me her number on the Lesbian Love Boat Cruise months ago. I was on my way home, sitting on the bus when I was playing with my cellphone. She somehow crossed my mind and after I got off the bus, I dialled her number. She wasn't home so I left a message. Now that I think about it, what do I expect will happen? If my track record is any indication, we'll be friends, maybe, or it'll fizzle out. I get frustrated and throw my hands up in the air about the whole dating thing. It's bad enough I'm labelled a virgin outloud to a carload of strangers, and there are worse things than being celibate for 3 years, but right now, it's one of the things I'm depriving myself of. Maybe I'm torturing myself? I've cut out coffee, I've tried to cut out salt, I haven't eaten meat/dairy/eggs for 10 years, I haven't had a man since 1998 or a woman since 2002; I think of this and how everytime I go out, my dad acts like I'm some galavanting teenager and up to no good! Not including my theatrical activities, my life is lack-luster. I come home, watch tv and spend time on the computer. I spend some time with my parents and with my brother when he comes over. I'm so starved inside and I don't mean my stomache. I just hate the consequences of sex and my usual pattern; I don't want to deal with them. Nothing good will happen. I'd rather just fantasize about it than have it. One of the managers, after I asked him what he was going to do after work, said he was going to toke up. I asked him because everybody knows he tokes, yet I was hoping for an invite just to have some intoxicants in me. Even pot I've deprived myself of. No drugs, but sometimes I have the occasional drink. My skin actually aches, but it'll go away. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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