Not that I'm being dramatic, but sometimes I think there's something wrong with me. What friends I have aren't that close. I keep people at a distance for fear they'll know too much about me. I'm not 100% open with anyone. It's too scary. I've been made vulnerable against my will, I've handed over my trust easily only to have them abuse it. I pick the wrong friends sometimes and I avoid the good ones. Like love, I chose the wrong people. I think. If I had a fearless attitude, I'd be more forthright[?] with people, especially friends and family. I'd disregard people's opinions that clashed with mine. I'd set people straight when I feel I've been wronged or jerked around. I'd be more outspoken when something just wasn't right. I'd take more chances with what I wanted out of life, accept the consequences and move on.

But I don't.

I live at home, shutting myself in the sexual closet so I'm not discovered by people who know me. I hardly go out with my lesbian friends. I don't unleash my sexual self because I add friction to the violated child within; I avoid the triggers to forget past trauma. I'm stuck in limbo. I'll always be afraid until I break through that wall of fear. That's all I'm filled with. I mask it behind a plastic smile so nobody can see the gears rolling inside. I'm the Old Guy behind the curtain before Toto reveals me. Sometimes, when I think of what tattoo I want, it's a window with a child behind it, dangling her arm out clutching her teddybear. I'd get people asking the significance of it and I don't want to; I want a tattoo I feel comfortable explaining and many ideas aren't listed in that category.