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Sometimes I think I may never have sex with this body again! That didn't make sense, but when you're young, you think that certain things will eventually come to you. You get older and begin to think that maybe they won't, that maybe you'll never climb the stairs two at a time, that you'll bend over to pick up something and have to grunt. Only 2 years out of my 30's have been sexless, yet today, I hang out with a sexy group. My vegan group, it occurred to me, is an attractive group. I've never really thought of it before until we were walking outside together as a group. If I organized an orgy, I'd invite every one of them. There's a problem: reality! I could be left out. It wouldn't live up to fantasy. Things would get weird afterwards. You try to convince the other person and even yourself that it won't, but that's a huge lie to tell yourself. Denial is so dangerous and blinding to the catastrophe that comes head-on. I love my eye-candy. I don't want to actually fuck someone right now or even tomorrow, but the idea of looking at someone and noticing how attractive they are, whether they're male or female, gay or straight, bio or trans, or just completely wrong for me, makes me feel safe. I watched "The Believer" last Saturday about a Jewish guy who became a nazi skinhead. He looked sexy in a strange way that I could cast him in a fantasy, but that's been done already: Skin Game about skinheads who fuck each other but say they aren't gay. I loved just the raw man-on-man action, that whenever I see a nazi skin head, that's what's running in my head. Mmmmm.....nazi-liscious! This is totally bizarre coming from a black lesbian like myself, but hey, it's my imagination, and this is what happens to me when I go for so long with no sex. It gets all pent up and trapped in my brain that the repression needs an outlet. I'll be seeing 3 years of celibacy in September, and I know it'll happen. If I break it, it'll be with the wrong person. I know it. I don't trust my judgement when it comes to finding love. I don't know what love is anymore. I've had infatuations, crushes, desires and raging lusts, but I don't think love was in there. It's one of those you'll know it when it happens to you feelings that I haven't experienced yet, otherwise I wouldn't be questioning it on a daily basis. My skin gets hungry, but my emotional baggage straps me in and holds me back, fearing the imagined consequences. People lie to you for a fuck, then they tell you the ugly truth afterwards. The worst thing is, I'm fully aware that this is negative thinking, that as long as I believe this theory, I'll be stuck in a cycle of bad luck. If I change my belief system, then I could possibly find love out there. For a few moments in the week, maybe a few days, I actually ponder how to change my thought processes. I don't want to attract anyone using tricks or methods. I've even thought that there've been opportunities where men were interested in me, but I never go there, simply because I'm not interested. Sometimes I feel so detached from my sexuality, that I'm not a sexual being, but it's just the celibacy. Masturbation is boring now. I just stop midway, roll over and watch more tv. Once, I made a go of it a second time and got bored again! My pores are hungry mouths, it seems. Now, I have to focus on a kid's show. Sometimes the director gets all touchy-feely with the lead actor and in a homoerotic way, it's a turn -on. I love seeing men get intimate like that, but the vast age difference made it look like a father/son incestuous moment. The other women I don't find attractive at all, and everyone else is under the age of 10, so nobody can distract me, really. It seems like I bring up this subject often lately, but it has saturated my daily thinking on how to relieve my skin from neglect. If I find another distraction, it'll only repress my feelings to the point of explosion. I tell my self these feelings will go away, but they always come back. If I'm trying not to think about it, I'm still thinking about it, only it's two things on my mind at the same time, multi-tasking, and they struggle with each other. I'm sounding crazy. I've even spent over 10 bucks on an issue of FHM just for my eyes and imagination to have something to occupy themselves with. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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