[Sunday, Jun. 04, 2006 @ 8:48 p.m.]
[ "I Like All The Centres In The Box" ~ Better Than Chocolate ]

I was on the bus, on my way to an audition when two large black women got on. Automatically, I figured them to be lesbians, and they sat down beside me at the back of the bus, one with her arm around the other. I gave one of them a shy smile of acknowledgement but no response. I think I confused her or annoyed her.

My cousin was chatting with my younger brother about "some gay guy", ending his sentence with "faggot", chuckling afterwards. My mom immediately glanced at me to see the sour expression on my face. I wonder what kind of support my whole family would give me if I stood up against homophobia? If I were vocal enough and pointed out how awful of him that was? We black people hate the n-word, yet here he is tossing around the f-word. People stand up for their rights mostly out of selfishness, not because it's the humane thing to do. When another minority says something politically incorrect, I wonder if they'd feel the same way if they were of a different race? We discriminate against what we're not. If I were a straight white male, how different would my view of gay black women be? When you try to understand other types of people, you're made fun of or looked down upon or whatever: you're discouraged from being sympathetic. I think about stuff like this also when a meat-eater puts down a vegetarian, who puts down a vegan, who puts down a raw foodist, and especially ex-vegetarians who put down the whole lot. We all want to be treated with respect yet we won't give it to others. We even justify it too.
Our family had torn down our old ratty fence and this weekend, we put one up, mostly. It's not finished, but it's close. My dad's attitude was that I didn't know what I was doing, along with my mom, who bought the whole wood, brackets, screws, gate and other things to put this whole project in motion. My dad was so chauvinistic, that at one point, when my cousin arrived, he made a comment, mumbling about "women", turned to see if I was listening to see my disgusted expression, then laughed without shame. As my mom says, dad has old-fashioned ideas. She even had to proclaim in the beginning to not be so narrow-minded, to which my brother and cousin were totally baffled at her statement when really she was directing it towards my dad, rightfully-so. I'm even disgusted when young guys think so offensively and justify it. It's a wonder guys assume women "turn lesbian". I don't want to assume I'm better than anyone, but I'd like to keep myself aware of any narrow-minded thinking and any anger issues I have with anybody who isn't like me, meaning every single human in this planet. We've all be victim of stereotyping, yet why is it okay to sling it back onto someone else?

I think I'm just a lazy lesbian, frustrated with looking for an easy way to have sex with other women. I love it so much better, but it's harder to find women, and men naturally hunt after sex/love/breeders anyway. It's so much easier to lead a straight lifestyle but so unsatisfactory to me and more frustrating. As long as I'm living at home, I'm going to have a miserable sex life.


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