|
I'd like to think that If I were straight, again, that I'd have better luck. Before, I was having sex with the wrong people, nevermind the wrong gender. If I did come out from birth, I'd have had sex with the wrong women and I'd be blamed for not trying men or something to that effect. I was rehearsing a cabaret, a different one, and I made a pose that prompted the director to say, "Chuffnutt, I didn't see sexiness from you!", to which I instinctively said, "I'm not a sexy person." Without missing a beat, the director and one of the cute actors say in unison, "Chuffnutt, you are sexy!" At first, I didn't take it seriously, but that statement still lingers. I've never been accused of as being sexy before. It didn't matter that it came from 2 men, one as old as my dad and other only 22, but 2 people agreed with each other. One manager at work asked, "Chuffnutt, Why aren't you married?" Of course I lied, but there was some truth in it, just a grain of it. I basically said I have bad luck, but I didn't say with which gender. At work, this one customer waved at me and at first, I had no idea who the hell this guy was until I looked closer: He was a roommate I fooled around with almost 13 years ago. He had a girlfriend and he was always hitting on me. He was skinnier then but to see him in front of me, he had gained weight and cut his long black locks. He looked married, 10 years to the same woman, with an 8 year old and a 6 year old. The thought that bugged me was: how does a guy, who constantly cheats on his girlfriends for the sake of his male ego, trap a woman into a seemingly monogomous lifestyle? How can he get a successful relationship and I can't, who always wanted love and never got it? It seemed unfair, but what am I going to do, bitch him out right there and ask why he didn't love me? I was still genuinely glad to see him, to see how he turned out. The one other thought that crossed my mind was: at least I'm still slimmer than he is. It seems regardless of gender, your luck has nothing to do with which sex you pick. I knew a friend way back who had the odd boyfriend, and when she came out, she was just as successful with women. If you're boinking everything in sight as a straight person, you'd have the same luck if you were gay, and if you had long-term relationships as a straight person, you'd have the same pattern if you were gay. I've chosen the wrong people to sleep with and wondered why they would hump'n'dump me afterwards, and the same pattern happened with women. My former best-friend insisted that I "became gay" as a result of bad experiences with men in the past: how cliche! Trying to convincer her that she's wrong only hurt her ego, so she couldn't accept it. Denial blinds you from acceptance. I hope she can see things clearly now, but I shouldn't get my hopes up. My trap is that I believe I have bad luck based on past experiences. If I found a way to change that luck or if the right person comes along, then I'd have a better outlook on my lovelife, but I don't. I only see a future of singlehood, unrequited love, bad consequencial sex and more dissappointment. I hate the idea of investing my feelings in something that I lose at too often. It's like when my mom plays the lottery every week and gets nothing or when my dad orders products with the intent to sell them to Jamaica but never follows through: all hopeless. I keep thinking that after my birthday next month, I'll be looking at 40 creeping up behind me in 3 years. I know I'll get people who'll say it's because of my "chosen lifestyle" or something ignorant like that. I'm just dreading 40 right now, especially turning 37. Blech! Anyway, I have a few monologues and a song to memorize. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
|
