[Tuesday, May. 01, 2007 @ 1:47 a.m.]
[ Why I'll Never Be 100% Heterosexual ]

Yes, I've heard my dad say chauvinistic things before, even racist and especially homophobic without apology. I've heard my younger brother say things that were offensive that he'd deny were offensive towards women. When my dad and brother dismiss anything outspoken by a woman, I become incredibly disappointed in them and all men. It's a struggle not to be cynical and hateful towards men, but when most of them say things that express their ignorance and disregard for women, especially when this includes family and friends, I lose faith in the male gender. If I ever had inclings for the male gender, my male family members have distroyed them. Now, there are people who are clueless about lesbian and say that we turned this way because of bad experiences with men; if this were true then every single woman on the planet would be a full-on lesbian until death. Yeah, what my dad and bro have said was disgusting, but you'd think there'd be other, possibly decent, men out there that would be just as disgusted, right? Well, one male friend of mine, no matter how heartbroken or distraught I am, he will explain the man's ill-behaviour like this was suppose to be accepted and regarded and clear-thinking.

I might get my account deleted for saying all of this, for being so offensive, yet many men everyday say so many awful things about women. I never realized how little men thought of us, how our words were so unimportant and disregarded, how no matter what ideas we have or how we contribute, we're compared to them all the time. You know, this would read similar to Valerie Solanas' S.C.U.M. Manifesto. You live as a woman for so many years and when you express your experiences, for one, my dad would tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about or that someone taught me these things. What he says speaks volumes about how much he doesn't know me. He doesn't have a clue about me, doesn't know the real me. I can only say that the me he knows is all I'll let him see. When he adds stereotyping to it, he blinds himself all the more. I can't feel like he's a big cuddly teddybear anymore. He's disillusioned me, big time. Just last week, my mom wanted to do yard work. The only time I enjoy it is when dad isn't around, then when he is, he's berating me and belittling me, telling me I don't know what I'm doing or trying to take over. He gets so territorial about the yard. He just made me madder at him, but I'll never express my extreme disappointment for him.

Yesterday, my anger almost shone through and dad called me over to him. He was analysing my face, but I acted casual, wondering if he needed his angina medicine. I'm civil towards him. This is hard, for he may die anyday and I'll feel regret for feeling like this on his last days. Everyday I'm haunted that he'll be gone forever, yet his personality makes it so much harder for me to live with him. If it weren't for me, my mom would be stuck with him everyday, so I'm just a referee for them both. If I were heterosexual, I'm be completely shattered. Anyway, I'm not intent on dating or looking for love in this lifetime, so it doesn't matter, eh? I hope my dad never sees my disappointment for him. Same goes for my younger bro, probably my older bro too, if I ever see him again.


Men: what's wrong with them?


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