|
I'm realizing that someone's opinions about me and my race have poisoned me. Their toxicity has wormed its way into my brain and into the vulnerable side of me that's hurting from these past few years. Having a crappy job is one thing, being fired from that job is another, but having people make digs at me is another. I'm down and they wanted someone to pick on so they could feel better; to put others down, we make ourselves feel better. It sucks that others find someone to aim their insecurities onto, that they're always looking for someone to make themselves feel better so they look for someone they believe is lesser than themselves. If you stand up to them, they'll go off and find someone else. It's like if you're hunting and you find a prey that you can capture. The stronger ones won't put up with you. You somehow have to do something to that bully or predator or abuser so that they don't do it again. I've always wondered how to do that? Many times, just talking to them, reasoning with them, being aggressive with them, won't work. Sometimes that person has it already set in their mind that they're going to get what they want out of you, no matter what you say. You see cop shows where someone had to kill their perpetrator and solve the problem. In real life, a dead person learns nothing. I don't know what the best thing to do would be? I figured, crush a part of them that prevents them from doing anything. Going out of your way to hurt them? That sucks, but what about their sense of hope? What about that belief they have about overtaking someone? Could you crush that? Could you take that person's sense of self and destroy that? I mean, think of someone who raped you. Even if you report them, have they learned their lesson? Have they understood what they did so they don't do it again? What if they are only mad that they got caught? What if they were to find a different way of finding a victim? What about con artists? What if they were found out but then just tried to find another way of approaching their future victims? How do you nip that in the bud? I mean, I can think of a family member, my entire life, who's derogatory towards me. As long as I simply dismiss his insults and his belittling, he'll persist in treating me like crap. Oddly enough, he's that way to other black women, except my mom. Yes, I'm talking about one of my brothers. He has little respect for other black women and sometimes I wonder if I had anything to do with that? Maybe, but I have to ask: if it were a thing against black women, who else would be his target? Where does he get it in his head that he has to pick on someone to make himself feel better? He use to try to take our cat and put it in a paper bag or tie a string around its tail. He also collected ants and turned on the element on the stove so he could burn them alive. Now, there's something to that, that he's looking for something to vent onto, looking for a target for his abuse. Where does that come from and how do you get rid of it? Do I also have it in me that I need to vent onto someone? Aggressive transference? I usually call it, "To jizz on someone". You've ever had sex with a guy and he wants to cum on you? I've had this happen way back in the day and they would ask assuming I'd say yes. I'd say no several times until I'd give up and they'd get off. It's usually a lousy lay in the first place, but for them to jizz on me? I hated that, but they wanted to do it and then I'd have jizz all over me. I would have to get up and wash it off and then they wouldn't understand, well, they didn't care if I liked it or not. These are the types of people I let into my life. Blech! Anyway, that was my tangent. I was originally wanting to mention something else. Mr. Womanizer. I can't stop thinking about him, simply because I missed the sex, but him? Not so much. I went into something that I knew was unrealistic, yet I came out of it surprised that he hurt me. I went with someone who was a womanizer, who said he wanted to just screw whomever he wanted and then I was hurt and shocked that he flaunted other women in front of me. I hated him and I mostly hated myself for being with him. At that point, I hadn't had sex in three years and I was just frustrated. I attract those who are looking for someone who needs sex. I attract the wrong people simply because I feel like I don't deserve good people. I see and hear how horrible they are, yet my self esteem is so low that I go with them, thinking that they must see something good about me, that I must be worthy if they've picked me. They picked me because they see a loser or that they want a token black to make them seem less racist or something. I'm watching, "The Mindy Project" and Mindy is talking about her closure on Danny, her acceptance of what he last said to her, "I hate to admit it, but you were right...about us. You were right about us not being together. I mean, at first, it was tough. It was really tough, but I remembered something that you said. You said that 'guys don't break up with girls you secretly want to be with'. And then I knew, for certain that you didn't want me. And it was fine though, because I learned in time that, you know, you weren't right for me either. We are who we are and that won't change." I loved that speech and then because she cut him loose, he suddenly wants her. In real life though, I know that if I said that to someone, they wouldn't change their mind about me, that they'd be all, "Cool", then run off to fuck someone. I love that because it's a way to just cut yourself off of something that isn't good for you. It was a realization for her and I've thought about this with a few people. I thought, if all the people I ever dated had stayed with me, I would have ended up leaving them anyway, so it worked out for the best. I would have realized who they really were. Had they not left me, I would have left them. They didn't want me to realize how awful they were, that they weren't good for me at all. I mean, think of the people you've been with, that ended horribly. You still pine for them, or you used to. Had they not left you or broken up with you, you would have left them. Also, it's an ego thing where if you leave them first, you get the upper hand and sometimes we hate it when someone breaks up with us because they did it first. When we see them with someone else, we're mad that we didn't find someone first to rub it into their faces. When you think about it that way, you realize how your, meaning my, ego gets in the way and how fragile it really is. Many times our egos get in the way of really seeing ourselves and others. I've attracted people because they were flattered I liked them or they thought I liked them. Like, if I were involved with someone married, they'only get with me because their spouse was use to them and they wanted that renewed look in someone's eyes to boast their egos. Once they were done with me, they'd look for that same look in someone else's eyes. Think about it: it's a kick when someone has that look in their eyes and they only want you because it makes them feel powerful. It's totally an ego thing and it's about control. "He who has the most control loves the least", so that person who is in it simply to get their ego fed, they're in control, because being vulnerable towards someone else is the worse feeling for them, that because they let someone in and had their heart torn out of them, that was something they didn't want again, so they took it out on the rest of us. I hope I never become that person. I haven't had sex in the longest while, but I know that if I had sex right now, if I had sex with ten people from now until, well this entire month, they wouldn't give a shit about it. It would totally be an ego boast for themselves and they'd move on. Sometimes a person wants their ego boasted to feel good, but when they can easily leave someone, they never cared about that person in the first place. How do you deal with someone like that? Seem disinterested in them. Act like they're just like any other person. They'll want their egos boasted from you again. They go to you because they want that feeling again. They figured that you'll always feel that way about them, so they go to you for a lift, but when you don't feel that way about them, or no longer do, then it hurts them and they'll move on, or they'll go out of their way to draw it from you. I've said too much. I'll possibly come back to this another time or add another entry about this, but I just needed to revisit this blog. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
|
