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I've dumped her again, only she wanted me to dump her, telling me that her career was the only thing that meant anything to her, that she can't rely on anyone else, that it's all that matters. Can you believe she said these things to me? She had no respect for me. I have no respect for myself to end up with people who don't respect me. I put up with crap like this for the sake of being liked and loved. I can't believe I let her back into my life again and that the same shit happened, only less by 4 months. She's gone and I don't know if I'll ever see her again. I hope she does move back to Toronto and I never have to see her again. I hope she never approaches me. I'm disgusting in her and in myself for going back to her. If I kill myself, which I won't, it's because I hate myself that much for doing something so stupid. Last night, I was hanging out with some friends. It was intended that I hang out with one friend who also got her heart broken and when I arrived, there were about 6 other people there. I waved my friend over and we chatted a bit. Another friend at the table, who I hadn't officially come out to, asked me what was up. Part of me figured that maybe she knew and wanted me to tell her, so I spilled my guts about what happened with my stupid love life. Without blinking an eye, she asks if I'm stupid. Right back at her, I said, yes, because I would have to be to go back for more disrespect like that. She was drunk and kept telling me that I'm gorgeous and that I'm beautiful. Only when they're drunk am I beautiful. Sigh. Well, I had a great night hanging out with friends and chitting and chatting. If I ever find love again, that person won't respect me either. This is my prediction and it's common for me to pick people who are reckless with my heart and are totally disrespectful towards me. I have to do something about this but so far I haven't. If I don't change, then I'll be stuck in the same cycle and I'll never find love. I'll be an old woman making the same mistakes, telling people at the mall with the other elderly people and being told that I have no self respect to pick people who treat me like this. I must wonder what it is I do to them that they think I deserve this? I mean, I've probably done or said something that has turned them off and provoked them to mistreat me like this. I'm distracted by watching The Big Bang Theory. I might be back with another entry. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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