[Wednesday, Jan. 07, 2009 @ 7:10 a.m.]
[ Can't Talk To Anyone. ]

I took off my profile and list of diaries I read to make this more private. Not sure if it works, but somehow it feels different.
Yesterday, my boss called me into her office to see what was wrong with me. I wasn't performing well, after a few years of supposedly knowing my duties. I only said I was heartbroken and I was too distracted over them. Now, I'm to assess what I'm to do with myself. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, but I need to. I thought of calling a couple of people, then the tears threatened to seep out of me. I hate feeling like this. I hate being depressed and wanting tomorrow to never come.
When I asked mom if dad was depressed, she seemed unsympathetic. My mom's only flaw is that she can't handle other people's pain and sadness. It's always, "Well, just don't think about it" and leave it at that. I can't talk to my mom. At all. She wants me to, but nothing will be solved or fixed and I'll be left hurt still. Every time I try to talk to someone, I come away feeling like I'm just a whiner and that my problems are unimportant. I'm left feeling worthless and silly. That's the main reason I hate talking about my feelings: I don't feel important enough or that I'll feel better. Who can I talk to that doesn't have to listen to people for a living? Who out there would sympathize and reassure me that everything is okay? Why should I think that my feelings will be important enough to someone that thinks I deserve an ear to talk into?
The answers are: Nobody cares, I'm a whiner and I should stop being a baby about everything. I'm too sensitive and I should grow up. I'm not as important as others who've been through a lot, so stop being a princess.
I've gotten insensitive stuff like this and felt worse for revealing my feelings. There's nobody I can talk to, and I'm glad nobody will insult me with "advice" and tough love, which is really abuse in disguise.
I went on a minor shopping spree yesterday and now I don't even have 10 bucks to my name. It's payday soon, so that'll go to my bills.
I went over what kind of year I had last year, and I counted all the crap. The only hi-light was surprising my mom with a concert that she's still gushing over. That an a co-worker made me laugh my ass off. I need to write down the happy stuff in my books as a reminder about life worth living.
Oh yeah, happy Ukranian xmas!

While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019

He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019

My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019

It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019

I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014




[newest] [older entries][profile][design] [diaryland]