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I have this pain in my chest, since being heartbroken, or whatever it is that's hurting me emotionally. Is it really a heartbreak? It's like I felt I existed once I got involved with someone, secretly, like exposing it would blow it away to dust. Once I saw it dissolve before me, I disappeared. I regretted telling people I was raped and suffered the humiliation of the backlash, but not telling anyone about this is just as excrutiating. I have to tell myself that I'd never throw my life away over anyone, but this is killing me! I've even thought of an unsent letter I'd write to him: To L.W. I actually hate this letter. It seemed more articulate in my head. I'm so depressed and I'm hiding it well. Telling people I'm fine is the biggest lie I'm telling, along with, "I'm swell", or, "Wonderful!" Sometimes I want to cry and I wish I could, but it's not coming out. It might be rage or something. I'm so blocked and repressed that my true feelings are stuck inside. I hate being me. I don't know why people like me. I don't get it. I'm not asking either. I hate that I have so much self-loathing. I wish it would go away. I keep hoping it would on its own, but there's something I have to do and I don't know or I do know and I won't do it. Pffft! I wished I liked myself and thought of myself as worthy. I just don't. Happy New Year. Whatever. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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