It was a very good rehearsal. The Choreographer was there, so we did lots of movement. It always fleshes out the story whenever she's there to add her creativity to this existential show of ours. It's so complicated and poetic, very abstract and surreal. I could tell the choreographer has worked on it, reading it and digging out the golden nuggets to present us with movements that really bring out the colors in this show. I'm going to be so excited when this is all put together and presented to the public. I can't wait to inflict this on the world.

I'm still horny.

I was standing there, listening to the choreographer and director go on about something when I felt this heat cover me. I just want to wrench it off of me and say, "Leave me alone!" I don't want to be horny now, when I have nobody who wants me or who I have access to. It almost hurts to be awake. There are worse things on this planet than being horny. I keep telling myself this so it'll go away, but it just boomerangs at me even harder. It's like when my mom and I were driving along, after loading the car with some clothes from my brother's closet. My hands were dry and so I pulled out my lotion. As my mom is driving, I manage to reach over and massage some lotion onto both her hands, separately. She says, "It's so good to have someone else do things for you, like washing your hair, massaging your feet." The words, getting you off came to mind but I'm so glad I didn't say that out-loud. Man, that would've been embarrassing! Masturbation only takes you so far, then after that you get tired of your own hand. I'm killing myself thinking about it and typing it. I have to restrain myself from writing about it. I've only put one entry in my paper journal. I even finally told somoeone about it, a friend of mine who visited me from Victoria several days ago. He brought his boyfriend along and at one point, I proclaimed, "Want to hear the weirdest thing?" before I told them I was hot for a guy. When my friend and I were alone, he told me that his boyfriend didn't consider himself completely gay. He seemed pretty gay to me, just some of his mannerisms though. You know, the gaydar that springs into action whenever you see or meet someone? You don't even have to be gay or even bisexual to have gaydar either.