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Hey. That's not the right way to apologize or to start off a letter of apology. I doubt that anyone who's ever raped anyone has ever apologized for it but I'm going to try. I don't expect you to forgive, but I would love it if you could. Just because forgiving someone is suppose to be good for you, but I can't tell you how to feel. I already tried that before and all I did was hurt you terribly. I would like to say that I've never done anything like that before, but you won't believe me at all. For all you know, I've done it before, many times. You can see that my English has improved. I've read a lot. I remember that once, I lent you some books but when I raped you and lied to you about it, you returned them. Actually, you left them in the communal kitchen, for me to see them. No doubt you thought of coming to my room to return them, but that would be a bad idea. Who knows what anyone would think had they seen you there, if they thought you'd do something crazy? You know, if I had a daughter, I don't know how I'd react if someone raped her? I just don't want to think about it at all. I don't want to believe that something like that would happen to her. You were a nice person, but something in me, just felt compelled to do that to you. I wished I had handled things differently at the time. Although I wished I hadn't done it, I wished I could have said something else. I wished my friends had handled it differently. They way they treated you, what they told me afterwards, like they would handling the situation for me, they seemed like assholes and I'm sorry for how they treated you. I figured that all they did was make things worse, fighting my battles for me. It's like when a guy gets a girl pregnant then says it isn't his, or when a guy hits on a girl who rejects him, so he says she's a lesbian. Speaking of which, are you still a lesbian? I'm sorry that I asked, but that was why I did it in the first place. I was right there and you were interested in someone else. I was just so rejected, I felt so hurt. It didn't matter that it was you. In fact, that it was you that was interested in someone else, that someone else might have made me upset, but you? I mean, you're okay, but not even you were interested. That's what I was thinking. It seems so rude when I think about how I thought of you, like you were lower than dirt or last call at some skanky bar. Anyway, I treated you horribly and I shouldn't have done that in the first place. What I did was terrible. I don't expect you to write back to me. I'm sure that if you could, you'd tell me to go to hell or you'd call me some horrible names. I think you'd feel better if you had said these things to my face. In a letter is too cowardly for me. For me to say it to your face, that I'm sorry for what I did, that I'm sorry for how I made you feel and how I affected the rest of your life, that won't wash. Nothing I do will make that pain go away. There's no way for you know how truly sorry I am as much pain as I've inflicted, I can't remove it and heal you. I would love to know what would heal you, if that's possible? I can't fix you. I don't know how broken you are of if you're already fixed? I would like to know if you're doing okay, that your family is doing well, that you've risen above what I'd done to you. I suppose that this letter might not even make it to your hands, that you might have tossed it in the garbage, that it didn't see the light of day, still in the envelope. I figured as much, but I needed to write this letter. It's always bugged me that I did that to you, and especially that you still hate me. There will always be people that hate us, but what I did to you, I shouldn't have done. I had no right to make you come to my room. I had no right to disregard your rejection. You weren't interested by I disrespected that. I disrespected you. My reason weren't valid, yet at the time I came up with them just to do that to you. Deep down, I knew what I was doing and that it was wrong, but I did it anyway. Deep inside, I hoped that you'd like it. I wanted to believe that if I found a way to make you like it, that you wouldn't be mad at me. I hoped that you'd want me, that you would change your mind about that girl. I hoped that because you hadn't had sex in a while, that I was better for you. I really just wanted to have sex and because it had been a long time, I figured that you were right there. I figured it would be so easy, but you make me work for it. I wouldn't take no for an answer. I can't believe I did that to you. I can't believe you didn't like it, that you didn't like me, that you didn't want to have sex with me. When I saw you with that girl, I thought you were good to go, that all I had to do was just bring you to my room and you were raring to go, that you were on, like a light bulb. It's like because you were hot on that dance floor, that you'd have sex with anybody, that all I had to do was put myself in front of you and you'd have sex with me without thinking. Obviously, I was wrong about you. I was wrong about the whole thing, actually. What I did was just terrible. I know you hate me. Maybe you've forgiven me? Maybe you think I'm a good guy again? Maybe we could go for coffee and talk about it? I hope so. I know that all that I've said might still sting. I figured that you don't have to talk to me. It's been over a decade. Actually it's been almost two decades and I still think about what I've done to you. I raped you and you said no. You didn't like it. I can't image what you're going through. Can you imagine, I had to Google it just so I could understand? Basically, I wouldn't want anyone to do this to me. Nobody wants anything like this to happen to them, yet someone like me decided to do it. I wasn't going to take no for an answer and that's what happened. Actually, I was happy for a moment, that I actually did it. I had no reason to believe that you'd do anything about it. I figured that you'd be too ashamed at losing to me, because I got what I wanted out of you, so that you wouldn't tell anyone about it. Nobody would believe you because nobody believes rape victims, as I'm told. It's pretty much true, so that's why we get away with it. I'm sure you've heard all of this before. I'm thinking that you've done some research about this and that you know more than I do. Anyway, you knew that what I did was terrible before I did. Inside you, you knew that something terrible was happening to you but I just kept on doing it. What I did will never go away. Only you and I know what truly happened and because you're a woman, nobody will believe you. I see all the other rape victims in the news and I think that nobody will believe them because nobody wants to. Nobody wants to believe that it could happen to them, so they tell themselves that the victim wanted it to happen. We think the dumbest things, don't we? Anyway, all the sorry's in the world won't heal you. All the apologies in the world also won't heal you. All the money in the world won't make you forget what I did to you. I can't tell you how truly sorry I am for what I did. I don't know if your family knows, if your friends know, or who else would know? I'm a shit head. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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