I put myself in this situation. I saw it coming, yet I'm heart-broken. I called him on Tuesday to go for coffee and talk but he wanted to get it over with over the phone. I felt too vulnerable but he was annoyed with my feelings. He wanted to just put this all aside and just carry on being actors. He was so cold and insensitive. At one point, I couldn't tell if he'd hung up on me, so I closed my cellphone. I was on my way to work when I made this call, and after the insensitive blow he shot at me, I felt awful and ugly. I was feeling hateful towards men, which I don't want to. This bothers me, being hateful towards any group of people, because you can't think clearly. I'm reading, S.C.U.M. Manifesto and Valerie Solanas sounded angry and bitter. It was reading as crazy, but at some points throughout my day, my way of thinking matched hers. I was thinking of all the men I've ever encounted, all that I'm related to and the "decent" ones and lumped them all in the hateful pile. I just feel completely humiliated and stomped on by every man. It's a horrible feeling to have so much hate, but I feel so scarred and bruised that I don't know if or when I'll heal from this. Yeah, I've been heart-broken before, but I always hope it's the last one, that someone will come along and wipe all that hurt away. It's like auditions, where the rejection still stings when I don't get the role, but once I do get cast in something, it was all worth it. With acting, I can have a more positive perspective, more level-headed, but with love/sex, it's one big disaster. The worst thing I could get is for people to get my hopes up instead of supporting what I feel and say. Just ask any rape survivor on what it's like to have your feelings unsupported and shit upon. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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